Rogue Wanderer Has Relocated!

I've finished migrating everything to the new RogueWanderer.com site! Check out the new site and see what stories survived "the purge". Of the 70+ posts from this site, about 20 were usable for the new and much improved Rogue Wanderer!

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Wandering off into the Sunset

This will be my last post to this site. Well...to be more specific it will be my last post this version of the site. In the near future, I'll be migrating this site to a new platform and transferring only selected content. I'll keep the blogspot version of the site active because I don't want the stories to be completely lost to time. On the new version of the site, expect the same type of story-telling, minus the love stories, for now at least. I'll bring over a few of my favorite stories from this site that don't revolve around Four. Taking a page from the excellent idea of calling our current President - "45" - rather than his name, I'll be replacing her name with Four in any story that includes her (in case anyone is wondering 1, 2, and 3 are still called by their original names: Jenna, Evelyn, and Lona). I'm not totally sure the direction Rogue Wander v 3.0 will take yet, so I'll probably just wander through things and see what happens.

From late March to mid-July of last year, I absolutely loved writing stories for this site. It was one of the best times of my life. But as astute readers were able to determine, in July, something slightly traumatic happened (more traumatic than the day this picture was taken after I almost fell into the Grand Canyon). As much as I wanted to continue to write, it wasn't exactly easy doing it on a website that is basically one big love letter to the person who left me more devastated than I would have ever thought possible.

Anyone who doesn't know me well and read my posts, was probably left scratching their head when they came along the last post from the end of our road trip. How did many months' worth of lovey-dovey stories come to such an abrupt end. Today, I'll take a moment to set the record straight and give a little Shawshank ending style recap of what was going on behind those oh so sweet love stories. Some people will think I'm writing this to be vindictive. If anything, I'm writing it for a small bit of vindication. I've heard some of my closest friends say things like "I'm sure you were no saint" and I know among some women there is always a sense of "well you're the guy, so I'm sure you f'ed up." I am not perfect by any means, but the small mistakes I made paled in comparison to the litany of things I dealt with. However, vindication is not the main reason I write this tonight. I write it in hopes that someone out there reading this will recognize the things that happened to me and save themselves a lot of pain.

On a cold night in just a few days after Thanksgiving, I lay in bed desperately Googling phrases like "borderline personality disorder", "pathological lying", and "treatment for BPD". As I did this, I continually glanced at the person laying in bed next to me who I suddenly feared. In the hours leading up to these tense moments we had been looking at something on her phone when a text message came across with a man's name attached. She quickly tried to swipe it off screen but it was too late. I would ask to see the messages they had exchanged to uncover she had been messaging a married man. From what I could tell she had been making jokes about our relationship. The thing that stuck out most to me was a statement along the lines of "he wants me to stop keeping my options open. He actually said that lol". As I'm sure most would expect many hours of yelling would come from this, but the true revelation came when I said "What the hell is wrong with you? Why do you act like this?" The three words in my first Google search were what followed.

That night I did my research and things looked incredibly bleak. There was a lot about how it can't be cured, just managed and how it takes a devastating toll on those around around the person who suffers from it. There were articles on narcissistic behaviors, a lack of empathy, child-like behaviors, and short/intense relationships. In all of this there was one positive I kept coming across. It was a therapy called Dialectic Behavior Therapy. From what I could tell it was the only treatment type that had shown successful results. This glimmer of hope was probably the worst thing that could have happened to me.

Catching your girlfriend "joking" with a "friend" probably doesn't seem so heinous to some. Unfortunately, this had just been the latest in a series of lies, cover-ups, and genuinely bad behaviors to this point. The day of our second date she had posted on Facebook a memory from her ex stating "from the only man who ever loved me". "I should have gotten out then" would pretty much become my mantra for the next year and a half of my life. The day we became an "official" couple, her sister who I had never met or talked to messaged me to warn me. She was the one who told me about the oldest child, and the soon to be grandchild. Yep, I had no clue she was about to be a grandmother!

About a month later the daughter I hadn't known about would send me a Facebook message around 2 AM to tell me her mother's ex was sleeping at the house. She told me because she hated the way her mother treated people. This would be the first break up. I took her back within 2 days after she agreed to get help even though I still had no clue what she was getting help for. She didn't get that help. This would be the pattern that would play out for over a year.  She would do something incredibly terrible and either lie her way out of it or promise to get help (which I suppose was another lie). I'll skip over the dozens more similar stories because they'll just continue to show how stupid I had been. Despite lie after lie after incredible lie, I took her back over and over again only to be hurt by the next one.

The final major straw was when she went back on her promise to stop drinking. Alcohol and BPD is a nightmare concoction for the closest person in these people's lives. She claimed it would make her "fun" and the "life of the party" and for the most part when I saw her drinking with her friends that was true. What happened behind the scenes was a lot less fun and pretty much the last person you want at any party. She would go on profanity laden tirades, tell me I was "too boring" for her, cry uncontrollably and pass out in my bed while I slept on the couch. Recognizing the severity of her moods while drinking, I agreed to stop drinking myself, in a show of solidarity. She would hold to this promise for months only to go back on it within 12 hours of us returning from our 13 day road trip. This breakup would last over two months.

The final time around was the most turbulent of all. Within weeks of us getting back together we had planned an early morning hike. This was pretty routine for us. I would text her most mornings around 5:30 to make sure she got up and we'd meet at a mountain trail. The night before this particular morning I had a feeling something was up. She rushed me off the phone before bed and I could tell she wasn't tired. I wasn't shocked the next morning when she didn't answer. I called and called and drove over to get her. Her son would answer the door, at 6 AM having absolutely no clue where his mother was (his older brother was there watching him), but he did show me on GPS. Talk about traumatic for both of us! The claim was that she had gone out drinking with her sister and crashed at a friend's house. Her sister did show up with her back at the apartment but this happened after she told me she was going to bed. I stayed with her. I can here it now, "you f***ing idiot! Why?"

"But you had to have known she was lying!" I'm sure some people will say. I like to think over 9 years of college counseling has made me a pretty good judge of character. I can spot a student excuse or lie a mile away. This is the difficulty with this disorder, I'm thoroughly convinced she didn't believe she was lying. People who lie have tells, a pause in the voice, an over-used phrase, a glance away. She didn't. She could stare me straight in the eyes in a perfectly normal tone and tell me something that I would later find out was completely false. I found that out when I found out she had cheated on me.

Foolish as it sounds now, the one thing I clung to was a belief that she would never lie about something as serious as cheating on me. Time and time again after discovering some major lie, I would beg her to look me in the eyes and tell me she had never cheated. Every single time she did it. Our final breakup involved another late night sneaking out of her apartment after she told me she was going to bed. Her excuse was that her friend had been beat up by their partner. At this point, I realized that I wasn't even sure I could believe something that serious. I still have no clue if it was true or not, but as soon as I realized I had to be doubtful of something that serious, I knew I had to end things. I had become a person I had never been before in my life: jealous, un-trusting, and she nearly had me convinced I was the one who needed help.

I made some mistakes I wish I hadn't after the breakup. The worst of which was trying to stay in touch with her family. On one Thursday morning just three weeks after the breakup, I caught a post on her sister's Facebook from a guy I knew Four had gone on a date with during our 2 month break up. He said he and Four would bring her dog over to some get together. I'll admit this made me angry because she had told me she stopped talking to this guy when we got back together. But more than that I was angry that she would be so quick to put someone else through the same things I had gone through, knowing that she still wasn't seeking treatment. I asked her to tell him, to provide some sort of warning so he didn't have to find out months down the road like I did. I knew she wouldn't. I overstepped my bounds and reached out to him. We began messaging back and forth. Eventually, I asked if he knew I had gotten back together with her. He said he did and I asked the next logical question: "Did she cheat on me with you?" His answer was obvious. I doubt he was the first, but he was the one who proved that she was capable of lying about anything.

For months after the breakup she would reach out to me either asking me to take her back or asking me for forgiveness. At one point I actually said I did forgive her. It was a short-lived feeling because a few days later she would send me pictures of her and the guy she was with at the bar that night. I asked her to stop talking to me until she got help. "Until she got help" would be a phrase that would come back to haunt me because I left a few communication channels open. A week later she would send me some rant about me dating fat ugly girls. I could tell she was drunk so I blocked her for the night. I would send a long message the next morning hoping she had sobered up, telling her how disrespectful that was and once again begging her to get help. She wouldn't. I blocked her on everything except email at that point, my final mistake in this whole situation. The weekend before Valentine's she would message me to ask for forgiveness again. My response is that I wasn't ready to forgive her because she had done nothing worthy of forgiveness. She told me I need to let go of my anger. I responded easy for you to say you didn't get cheated on by the person you loved most in the world. Two days later she would send the final email I could take before permanently blocking on every platform. "I just wanted you to know I'm doing good and I'm happy in my new relationship with Dr. (name removed)."

This was the final hurtful statement from a nightmare of a disorder. I told these stories for two reasons. First off, I didn't want anyone who has invested their time reading my ramblings to feel like I was keeping them in the dark. Secondly, I know there are more people out there who are dealing with this disorder either by having it or being in a relationship with someone who does. I didn't tell these stories to "dish the dirt" but to illustrate how easy it is for anyone to fall under the spell of someone with BPD. They will love you more than you ever thought was possible and honestly hate you with a passion within a few hours. The love stories I've told throughout this website were all completely true and genuinely reflected the love I felt toward her and the love she reflected back on me. At the same time, the examples I've given here are also true and typically occurred within days or even hours of the loving episodes.

I am putting my story out there because outside of the support groups, very few people will publicly discuss being involved with someone suffering from BPD. I know reading through these stories some people will think I'm weak and I'm okay with that. If one person reads this and feels more comfortable speaking about their own situation, then it was worth putting into the world. BPD is incredibly misunderstood and so are the victims of BPD. I haven't done a great job explaining the disorder, since I'm just sharing my anecdotes and really trying to show what a partner sees. The person with BPD sees things very differently so here is a link to an article from someone on the other side http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-1528-5-realities-life-people-with-borderline-personalities.html. Leave it to one of my favorite humor sites to actually have a pretty informative article on the topic!

For those who are suffering from the disorder, I wanted them to know there is a treatment program that has worked for many people: Dialectic Behavior Therapy. You have to get into it out of your own will because if you convince yourself you are doing it for someone else, you'll stop the moment you feel they "abandoned" you in the slightest way. If you are dating someone who has this disorder and they aren't already in treatment or haven't completed DBT when you met them, just get out. I'm sorry to say, I don't believe there is any way it will get better while you are there. If they do agree to treatment, there will always be the sense in their mind they are doing it just to save the relationship. I don't mean to be doom and gloom here and maybe there have been cases where this hasn't been the end result, I'll just say I've read hundreds of posts from people on BPD partner support sites and I've yet to see this scenario, so please learn from my mistake. If you're dating someone who seems to have erratic mood swings multiple times throughout the day, start reading up on BPD and heed my warning if it starts to become obvious. Even if you have the overwhelming desire to help every person, understand that it is never worth sacrificing your own mental health for someone else's.

I knew Valentine's day was going to be the toughest post breakup day yet, her comments poured a little extra salt in the wound. But I also knew it would be the worst of these bad days. It was a depressing day all around. I pretty much just wanted to curl up in my bed in the fetal position all day. The next day I woke up knowing the storm had passed. I started a new workout program and I genuinely felt ready to take on the world. Most importantly, I was ready to start writing again and ready to stop doing it on a site that brings back so many tough memories.

Goodbye Rogue Wanderer 2.0!

Favorite Pictures of 2016: Top 3

My top 3 pictures from 2016 are far from the most artistic shots, but like I said when I started this countdown, it's about the story behind the picture. The top 3 all come from the road trip I took this summer with my then-girlfriend. As much as I hate what took place later on in the year between us, these are memories that will always have a special place in my heart. The road trip was something I've wanted to do for a very long time. I do hope to make it a yearly tradition, but this will always be the one that started it off.

#3: Snow in July

My third favorite picture came from scenery that caught me completely off guard. Some of the most beautiful sights we saw on the Yellowstone leg of the trip came just beyond the park boundaries (foreshadowing for the #1 pic). Yellowstone itself had been one of the more personally dramatic portions of the trip as it was the location of our 2nd worst fight of the 13 day whirlwind tour of the Western U.S. But by the time we got to these gorgeous views of the Rockies, the negativity had completely passed. It was tough to be mad at each other when we were playing in snow and tossing snowballs like joyful children. In addition to the snow, the numerous runoff lakes that had been created looked amazing as the sun was beginning to set. Even more amazing was the herd of wild mountain goats we spotted. We couldn't get close enough to get any good pictures, so I just sat back and reflected on the thought that they are the descendants of ancestors who roamed the area for thousands of years. 

#2: The Amazing Redwoods

In all honesty, the reason our road trip to get to North Dakota snaked its way through California was because I wanted to see the Redwoods. We would add Yosemite and the Golden Gate Bridge to the agenda because they were along the way. I mentioned before that this had been a dream of mine since I read about the forests in good old Scholastic News in elementary school. I completely nerded out the whole time I was there. Somewhere in my Facebook media there exists a video of me sounding about as excited as the double-rainbow guy of YouTube fame. Seeing, touching, and smelling the redwoods will forever be a highlight of my life. Redwoods will be included again in my road trip plans either this year or next year, with a few days worth of camping in the forest rather than just a day stop. 

#1: Our Own Private Waterfall

This is far from the most breathtaking picture of a waterfall anyone will ever see. We saw much more beautiful ones along the way like Yosemite Falls, Bridalveil Fall (Yosemite Park, as well), and Yellowstone Falls. And at each of those locations we battled crowds and fought to get a few good shots and soak it all in for a few moments of tranquility. However, this waterfall was our own. The only interruption we had to deal with was an overwhelming amount of mosquitoes. We stumbled across the waterfall just outside of Yellowstone's Cooke City, MT park exit and it happened purely by chance. 

We had just gotten done with the aforementioned fight and were both sitting in the car just letting the tension wash over us. I was begging Jennifer not to let a fight ruin an opportunity to enjoy scenery we may never get to see again. Eventually, I parked the car on the side of the road so that we could look down at the valley below us hoping it would be too amazing for her to stay mad. After that failed to work, I decided to take a walk to blow off some steam and hope she would cool down too. I noticed a trail headed back toward a river that was flowing into the valley. It wasn't very long until I came across a hiking bridge positioned just in front of this fall. In hindsight this probably wasn't the smartest idea, since there was a strong possibility there could have been wildlife near by and also I have no clue if this was public or private land. 

I walked back to the car and after more begging and pleading convinced Jenn to go out to at least look at it. After she took a much longer hike after telling me to wait on the bridge, I began to get concerned about the possibility of the potential for a wild animal attack. After worriedly yelling out and going after her, my thoughts of the fight faded away for concern for her safety. Fortunately,she returned safely and as I sat on the bridge with my arms around her, I didn't care about any of the other events of the day. 

Favorite Pictures of 2016: Honorable Mentions

Honorable Mention: Devil's Bridge, Sedona

A moderately difficult hike in Sedona led to Devil's Bridge. Although the bridge is actually quite a bit larger than it looks, it's still not for the faint of heart. My palms were sweating every time I watched someone step onto the bridge for a pic like the one you see of me.

Honorable Mention: Ringtail in Broad Daylight

When I captured this picture of a cute creature I didn't recognize at the top of Piestewa Peak in Phoenix, I had no clue that it was very uncommon to see them during the day. After doing some searches on Google I was able to determine it was a ringtail, which is a nocturnal animal. After posting the picture in a Facebook group, an older gentleman who was an experienced hiker told me he had only seen one ever and wasn't fortunate enough to have a camera with him at the time. 

Honorable Mention: Horseshoe Bend

I had seen this image in photos hundreds of times, knowing only that it was in Arizona somewhere. I was very surprised when I found out that it was close to my ex-girlfriend's home. It was a beautiful sight, so beautiful in fact that I had to fight the urge to yell at another sightseer when they said, "This is dangerous! They should put a railing around it."

Honorable Mention: The First Tent Picture

I took a picture of every campground I stayed in this year right after setting it up and then again after taking it down. These shots held significance to me, because they reminded me how quickly we can all vanish without leaving a trace for the world that we were ever here. This one came from River Island State Park in Parker, Arizona. It was the trip that made me fall in love with camping and eventually launched this blog. 

Favorite Pictures of 2016: #6 through #4

The second installment of my favorite pictures from 2016 top ten countdown features some shots from the epic road trip from the summer and my first solo camping trip after my break up. Like the last set of pictures, they are not always the most artistic, but each one highlights more of my favorite high points from what I can only call an "interesting" year.

#6: Rain Rolls into Oak Creek Canyon

A photo posted by Rogue Wanderer (@rogue_wandering) on Dec 29, 2016 at 7:10pm PST

My solo weekend in Sedona/Flagstaff was one of the most enjoyable trips I was able to take this year. It came about a month after my break up, so it was my first "I can do this on my own" getaway. The first night was spent tucked away in my tent reading for about 4 hours while rain poured down around me. Thankfully, it would let up on occasion and the next day my campground neighbors would set up shop for the weekend. Spending the next two nights at their campsite enjoying some beers, burgers, and Cards Against Humanity may have been what saved the trip. As much as I enjoy quiet reflection, I'm not completely sure I would have stayed all 3 nights if they all ended in me staring up at the stars silently until I got tired. I would also do something that still seems like one of my more impressive accomplishments of the year: get a phone number from the fitness model who was among their group. Don't get too impressed, because I would blow it within a matter of days after we both left the woods. Proof that I'm most attractive when there is no other competition. 

Although, I had many more beautiful shots of Oak Creek Canyon the day before when it was sunny, I really love this one because it captured what the majority of the trip was like. Also, this was a shot I really had to work for. The walk from the car to the vantage point was only about 100 yards, but the rain was intense. By the time I got in position for this picture I was completely soaked and wouldn't dry out for hours. 

#5: Foggy Golden Gate

A photo posted by Rogue Wanderer (@rogue_wandering) on Dec 29, 2016 at 7:12pm PST

We arrived in San Francisco on the 4th of July after spending the night camping near a beach in Monterrey Bay. After taking a few drives around trying to find a parking spot with a view overlooking the bridge, I could tell Jenn was starting to get frustrated with the process. Eventually, we parked very high up and started to make our walk down. After a quick stop to use the bathroom, we realized how insanely cold and windy it was and opted out of the long walk down and back. We were about to head out of the city when I decided to try going down below the bridge. Parking was much easier and we were able to capture some very beautiful pictures. Part of me wanted to see it on a bright sunny day, but as I reflect back I think there is nothing more iconic than fog blocking out part of the view of the bridge. We would eventually make our way onto the Golden Gate, where both of us enjoyed doing Facebook Live feeds while we combated the wind. My favorite part was holding her while we shivered and stared out across the bay. It is one of those moments that plays like a movie in my head. I hope some day I can replicate that moment again, with a small tweak to the cast of characters. 

#4: Nothing Can Do the Grand Canyon Justice

A photo posted by Rogue Wanderer (@rogue_wandering) on Dec 29, 2016 at 7:14pm PST

The first trip to the South Rim of the Grand Canyon was probably more memorable (read here for a near death experience), the second trip to the North Rim provided more gorgeous and remote scenery. The one thing I can say about any picture I took during those trips or any picture I've seen of the Canyon, is that nothing other than seeing it with your own eyes will ever do it justice. This picture came on the first full day of our road trip. We traveled half of the day before to get to Lee's Ferry about an hour away from the North Rim to set up camp. Using a recommendation from a Grand Canyon Hikers Facebook group, we decided to hike Widfross trail. Leave it to two people who are terrible about planning, to start off a 6000 mile road trip with a 10 mile, 4+ hour hike. It was after the hike ate up nearly half a day of travel, that I realized we probably weren't going to get to do nearly as much hiking during our vacation as I originally hoped. But given the chance to do it all again, I wouldn't have changed this part even slightly. 

Favorite Pictures of 2016: #10 through #7

What would the end of the year be without some kind of countdown? Even though the year does not go down as what I would consider a banner year in my life there were still plenty of amazing moments I will never forget. Before I get into the countdown of my favorite pictures of 2016, I should say there was a very deliberate reason I chose the word "pictures" instead of "photographs". For one, I do not consider myself a photographer by any stretch of the imagination. I don't care about exposures, shading, shadows, or any of the other details photographers go to great trouble to get perfect. To me, photography is about preparation and patience to capture a moment that will evoke an emotion from everyone. Pictures are about capturing a moment with a story behind it that is so beautiful to you people will be moved to emotion. These are the pictures I captured in 2016 that were so beautiful to me because of what they meant in the moment.

#10: Rogue Watching the Sunrise

Anyone who knows me well enough to know how much this dog has meant to me this year probably knew I'd sneak him into the countdown at some point. Let's be honest, when you go through a breakup in your 30s no one wants to hear about it. At this age people are focused on their families and their relationships, so they'd rather not have their single friend bring them down with whoa is me stories. Rogue was there to stare at me adorably while I vented, complained, yelled, and (I'll admit it) cried. 

I caught this pic on a typical morning, with a typical (beautiful) Arizona sunrise, I figured I better not place it too high on the list. Rogue and I were out for our normal morning walk when we sat down at a picnic table in the park where we often sit so I can drink my coffee. He usually spends this time sniffing the dirt or climbing up and down on the table. However, on this day he was so serene just staring at the sunrise. The reason I love this pic is because it came on my birthday, it was a perfect present from nature. It was just me and my buddy enjoying a sunrise.

#9: Coffee at June Lake

I would have actually put this one a little higher on the list, but looking back on it, the coffee cup kind of ruins the shot. I actually took this one to send to my Mom to make her jealous that I was spending my morning enjoying coffee in such beautiful surroundings, knowing I'd be back in North Dakota in a few days. I'm very glad I asked for suggestions about places to go near Yosemite National Park. I found out about June Lake from someone on a National Parks Facebook group page. As the last of three gorgeous mountain lakes in the opposite direction of Yosemite than we were traveling, there is a good chance we wouldn't have followed the whole loop without that suggestion. On the morning the photo was taken, my then-girlfriend and I woke up from a night of camping in the woods near Mammoth Lakes, CA in what may not have exactly been a "legal" campsite. It was 4th of July weekend so the "legal" ones were a little difficult to come by. As we headed back toward Yosemite, we stopped off in June Lake for a second time to get coffee and pull up our folding chairs on the beach to enjoy a beautiful morning.

#8: Proud Bison Snaps a Picture of a Proud Bison

Being born and raised in North Dakota and attending a school with a Bison for a mascot, I had seen a few in my lifetime. But the previous sightings had always been from a great distance or in a domesticated setting. Yellowstone National Park offered an opportunity to see these majestic creatures (yeah I'm biased, Go Bison!) in a natural habitat. I captured this shot as we spent our day roaming through Yellowstone. The geysers were amazing, but the wildlife was the part I loved about the park. However, this would not be the closest interaction we had with bison that day. As we left Yellowstone out of the Northeast exit toward Cooke City, MT, a family of about 6 bison calmly strode alongside the road heading back toward the park. I was in such awe as we watched them pass, that I completely forgot to take a picture.

#7: The Campground I Cannot Wait to Visit Again

This shot from Burnt Corral Campgrounds in Arizona's Tonto National Forest, is actually one of the bigger disappointments of the year. The reason for this is because it was a campground, I never actually had a chance to stay at (yet). I love this picture because it came at a time when I was incredibly optimistic about the future. The ex and I had recently reunited after being broken up for 2 months. We had been traveling down the Apache Trail for a short Sunday adventure. This was a drive I had made once before, so we had stopped at several of the usual stops, Saguaro Lake, Apache Lake marina, all the historical markers and viewpoints. This time around, I noticed the sign for a campground, so we decided to stop of and scout it for a potential future camping spot. The campsites next to the lake were amazing and offered the view I captured. I was in love, the future seemed bright, and the world was full of so much beauty. 

Lessons from Age 32: You're Only Lost if You're Not Learning

A slightly different version of cuddling on the couch this year

To say that my 32nd year on this planet was an interesting one is a bit of an understatement. This year I experienced some of the highest highs and the absolute lowest lows I've ever dealt with over the course of 366 days (that's right it was a leap year just to add an extra day of misery). When I ushered in my 32nd year I had never been more optimistic about a coming year. One year ago I sat cuddled up with the person I thought was the love of my life watching something on Netflix looking forward to a bright future. Today, as I brace for 33, I'm sitting on my couch writing this watching my dog continue to trash my apartment with the debris of rope toys. Despite this I'm still optimistic about my 33rd year on the planet. That optimism springs from the hundreds of life lessons I've learned this year. I think it's important to take some time to reflect on some of the toughest, most important, and memorable lessons of another year of my life.

If someone can look you in the eye and lie about anything, they are capable of lying about everything.

I hate to start off with a complete downer but this was probably the most important and toughest one to swallow. The first time I asked her to look me in the eyes and promise something, seemed like the most simple request imaginable: "Look me in the eye and tell me you'll stop talking to the last guy you were with before me." The request came on the day after we made things official and it was in response to her posting a flirty comment inviting him to meet her out after she promised me she was headed home for the night. She looked me square in the eyes and said she would never do it again. This of course wouldn't hold true and it wouldn't be the last time she would look me in the eyes and make a promise that she couldn't uphold. Despite this occurring a number of times, I always believed there was no way she ever cheated on me. A series of events after our final breakup would lead not only to me finding out she was capable of lying about that too, but led as far as the guy she cheated with backing me up in a Facebook war of words. The lesson here is very simple, if someone lies to my face I'm won't be keeping them in my life long enough to do it again.

The phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" can be amended slightly to "once a remorseless cheater, always a cheater".

I refuse to be so cynical to believe that people cannot change. However, one thing I have become painfully aware of is that the major driver of that change has to be remorse. This doesn't apply just to cheating but to every negative action in life. Any person who blames others for the bad things they have done will never stop doing those things. Throughout the relationship I had been able to determine without asking point blank if she had cheated while she was still married to her ex-husband. The excuse, which should have had me running for the hills, was that it was his fault because he didn't show enough affection. It should come as no surprise to anyone that this would be the same excuse she would use after I found out she cheated on me. The lesson here is when the conversation comes up with a future partner about cheating, the follow up question needs to be, "Did you feel guilty?". If the answer is no and shifting blame, then I know exactly what I"m in for.

I am so capable of love that I'm completely willing to overlook even the reddest red flags.

This may sound a little sad and slightly pathetic, but I really do look at it as a positive. When I met she who will remain nameless, I was at a point in my life where I was really starting to doubt that love was something I was capable of feeling toward a partner. I hadn't been in a relationship with someone I was serious about for almost 5 years. It was getting easier than ever to just turn and walk away at the slightest hint that a potential relationship might have rough patches. I would flee before I got too invested. I know this sounds like an excuse for being a jerk, and in some ways it is, but it was easier to walk away than risk getting hurt (sorry Tam). This relationship proved that I'm very capable of feeling love, to the point that I may have felt it toward someone whose view of it is warped. I could view this as discouraging but I choose to be encouraged for future relationships.

The only thing standing in the way of an adventure is being unwilling to walk out the door.

The absolute highlight of this year was the road trip I took this summer. Despite everything that followed in our personal relationship afterward, I'm grateful that she was there to take me serious when I suggested hitting the road for 2 weeks. I'd like to believe, I would have made this trip someday because I've dreamed of taking the (really) long way back to North Dakota since I moved down here. But the truth is I'll never know if it would have happened otherwise. Those 13 days on the road showed me just because something seems "strange" to "normal" people doesn't mean I have to share their opinion. I have every intention of taking another trip this summer. Destination unknown, but I suspect this year's copilot will be cute and furry and we'll argue a lot less!

The most well-intentioned apology can be screwed up by subsequent actions. 

Even though I'm pretty open in the stuff I've posted to this site, Facebook, Instagram or any of the other array of social media sites, there is one thing I haven't really talked about. In my post after the Grand Canyon I talked about wanting to apologize for being a terrible person to someone I had dated years ago. After the breakup I took my chances in hopes that she wouldn't tell me to screw off and die. She accepted and we started to work on becoming friends again. Unfortunately, I was not in a good place mentally and I kept pushing for more. Needless to say this was not a great way to show her I hadn't apologized with ulterior motives. She may not have told me to "screw off and die" but I'm pretty sure she thought it. Chalk it up as the final in a long series of regrets about how I handled everything with her. If we never talk again, I am sorry for so much. I guess the only lesson here is not to screw up so badly if I'm faced with a similar opportunity to right something I've done wrong.

Taking 5 minutes to turn around could have saved me 3 hours of travel time.

This is just an important relationship lesson for any guy, if you're girlfriend hints that she wants to stop for coffee while traveling: STOP AT THE FIRST AVAILABLE OPPORTUNITY OR TURN BACK IF NECESSARY!!! I cannot stress this enough as an important lesson. The debate of whether we had already passed the gas station that morning or were just coming upon it when she hinted she wanted coffee is forever lost to the ages. The lesson is not. My logical brain thought "well, we need to stop in Vegas so she can use WiFi to check in with work anyway. What's the harm in waiting 20 more minutes?" Her more emotional thought process was "He's ignoring my needs. He's an asshole." What followed was 3 hours of the coldest most awkward silence sitting in a Vegas Starbucks doing work that should have probably only taken 20 minutes. We didn't make it very far that day, surprise....surprise.

Always be sure to clarify who you're yelling at when upset with traffic.

While at Yellowstone Park I made what amounted to a near nuclear warfare mistake while suffering from mild road rage. Traffic had gotten backed up because someone had spotted a bear and gotten out of their vehicle to take pictures. Upset that everyone else in line was doing the exact same thing, I yelled out "Don't get out of the f*$%ing car!" at the exact same moment that a certain person was reaching for the door handle. I attempted to explain that it wasn't directed at her and said "Go ahead" but the damage was done. Another huge blowup could have been avoided by simply rephrasing to add one extra word at the end like "man" or "jerk". I assume she wouldn't have thought I was calling her either of those things.

There is a reason dog crates are a good investment.

This one is very simple to explain:

Explained!

Redwoods State and National Parks may be my favorite place on the planet.

Oh, I know I still have a lot to see, but Redwoods is definitely my favorite place so far. As much as I love living in Phoenix, I have decided that I'm open to making a move to this area of Northern California if I ever get the chance. I have never felt more of a connection with a place than I did in the few hours I spent walking through the redwoods and the rest of the day spent driving through. If anyone has any job connections in cities like Eureka, Redwood, Arcata, McKinleyville, or even one of the smaller towns in the area please hook me up! 

If you spill syrup on yourself, just take an extra minute or two to wipe yourself down and grab some paper towels before you drive home to change. 

I wrote an article titled:

Shirtless in a Car I Don't Own, Covered in Syrup, with an Empty Baby Seat in Back: Just an Average Weekend.

I don't think I need to explain any further than that. 

People love a comedy, but they love a tragedy much more.

I always thought the key to getting people to read my stuff would be making it funny and light-hearted. Yet my number one all-time post came with a twist ending, that even I never saw coming. Thirteen great days on the road were followed by the day that meant the death sentence for our relationship, it was never the same after that even when we tried to patch it up a few months down the road. But I guess if you refer to the first lesson again, we were set on that destination on day one. This post remains my most read with nothing else ever really coming close before or after it. 

If you want loyalty, get a dog.

What has helped me more than anything during the troubling end to an interesting year? 

This guy!

I honestly don't know if I would have been able to resist the temptation to try struggling through a doomed relationship again and again without my buddy, Rogue. Having him around always gives me something to focus on in those moments when the loneliness starts to creep up on me. There is nothing quite like having something so happy to see you the moment you walk in the door, no matter how terrible a day has been. It's nearly impossible to feel anything but happiness when I see him. Fingers crossed, my 33rd year on the planet will involve finding a woman who makes me feel the same when I see her and of course I hope that feeling is mutual.

When all else fails, shave my head, get back into running, and write.

There has been one tried and true solution to getting a fresh start for me. Shave my head and start running. For some reason it works every time. It's strange and slightly superstitious but shaving my head makes me feel like I'm getting rid of the negative energy my hair had been exposed to. Running gets my physically active and my improved health increases my confidence. Writing is the hobby that gets my mind off of the other things that are dragging me down. Even when I write about negative things, I don't feel bad as I do it. I feel a sense of joy in doing something I love. To put this in terms that every person can use to get through rough patches in life: do something that makes you feel refreshed and resets your mentality, do a physical activity that makes you feel good about yourself, and focus on something that you are passionate about. I believe doing whatever three things satisfy these criteria are a surefire way to get through anything life can throw at a person.

November Book of the Month: 10% Happier

With this terrible election season finally set to come to a close this month, most of us will be at least 10% happier that it is finally over regardless of who wins. So take the happiness and increase it by another 10% with this great book by ABC News correspondent, Dan Harris. The book focuses on the meditation techniques Harris used to improve his peace of mind. Although he doesn't promise it will absolutely change your worldview, he does believe it will make you feel at least 10% happier. 

In the book, Harris talks about his personal battle with addiction after returning from his duties as a war zone journalist. His need to overcome his addictions and get his life and career back on track led him to seek spiritual outlets for his negative feelings. In the book you will hear his personal story as well as simple tips to incorporate meditation into your every day life. 

With the holidays coming up, I think we could all afford to be at least 10% more happiness in our lives!

A Man Who Hates the Morning But Loves the Sunrise

Sunrise at Tempe Beach Park

I recently realized something interesting has been happening to my Facebook photos over the last few years. The drinking, partying, crazy "fun" photos of my early and late 20s have been replaced by pictures of beautiful scenery, or at least scenery I consider beautiful. To be fair, there had been quite a few couples pics at a time, but I guess I was a little early with my last two posts. While the rest of my high school and college friends post pictures of their children and families, nature has become my go-to 'show the world you're maturing' signal. If you're one of my Facebook friends, check for yourself. You won't find a single beer can, bottle, or glass in any picture I've posted in the last 3 years and probably even further back (I haven't actually fact checked this, so if you find one I'll buy you one thing under $10 from the website store).

One thing I've noticed is that the main subject of these 'mature me' pictures is the sunrise. Before I entered this stage in my life it is not an understatement that I could probably count the number of sunrises I had seen on my fingers (for sure my fingers and toes). As a non-farm boy in North Dakota catching the sunrise is actually kind of difficult. During many months of the year we were already in school by the time the sun rose. So that doesn't explain the lack of sunrises viewed during the summer. To put it simply I have never been a morning person, so my typical wake up time during summers was around 10 AM and into my high school years it actually went past noon pretty frequently. My summer jobs when I had them were usually evening jobs so that didn't get me up either. College was all about trying to get as much sleep as humanly possible when not studying or enjoying the social aspects of college life.

It's Not too Late to Get a Costume for the Weekend!

When I moved to Arizona, the sunrise got even tougher to catch considering it rises as early as 5:18 AM during the summer. For my first few years here, I did see the sunrise more often than I did in North Dakota, but it was usually because I was on my way home from a night out. The sunrise loses a little of it's beauty when all you want to do is going home to sleep after a wild night.

This all changed over the past few years. I don't recall the exact time frame when the change occurred, but I have really become a sunrise person. A major reason for this is because I'm NOT a morning person. A few years ago, I asked to push my work schedule back a little bit later. I thought this would be great for me because I could sleep for an extra hour. Instead the exact opposite happened. I began training for a half marathon in the early morning summer months somewhere along the way. This had me getting up bright and early every day to try to beat the Phoenix summer heat. I began to notice that when I walked into work I felt much better and more ready to face the day. Even though the training ended, I continued to wake up early to go walking or hiking. Basically, I realized that best way to deal with not being a morning person was to wake up earlier. This gave me the time to ease my way into the day without having the other stresses of the world enter before I was prepared.

The fortunate side effect of this new life strategy was the sunrise. I began to see it nearly every day. To this day, I still do on almost every single work day. The days that I don't get to see the first glimpses of the sun feel slightly off. It may be terrible to say, but on some days that early morning view may be the only time I am truly grateful for something that day. There are days when it is somewhat plain and boring and days where it seems like it was painted by the most masterful artist to ever exist. However, no matter how tough things get or how many other issues I have going on in my life, the grateful feeling is consistent every time I view a sunrise.

There are three sunrises that stand out in my life. Two occurred within the last year or so, and one in my very early childhood years. One was about a year ago today, viewed from Piestewa Peak in Phoenix

The second was around the same time at Pecos Park in Phoenix. It was the first one that ever stopped me mid-run just to savor the moment:

The third was one that exists only in my mind. It was probably not my first, but it was the first I can remember. The specifics are fuzzy, but that's how memories work and it doesn't make them any less real to us. I believe was a around 5 or 6 years old and my parents were driving to one of my brother's sporting events somewhere in North Dakota, we'll say it was a track meet in Valley City. This is the really strange part about memory. I couldn't even tell you now if my brother was ever in track, but that's how I remember it. 

We had to wake up early to drive there on a Saturday. I remember seeing the sun come up over the distant, flat North Dakota landscape and thinking how amazing of a sight it was. I remember remarking something about thinking this was the first time I had ever seen the sunrise. Dad teased me about it and Mom laughed. I remember sitting in the car with them laughing and joking and thinking what a great family moment it was. I remember the feeling much more vividly than the details. I was grateful that morning. Maybe that's the reason I'm still grateful for every sunrise a quarter century later. 

Submitting Your Own Story Just Got Easier

This site was founded with a goal to get people outside to experience the world. I love telling my stories but that's not what the site is all about. I want to hear from others who have amazing stories to tell. On my road trip this summer, I remember the ranger who does the presentation at Mount Rushmore talking about how our Nation's parks have been an inspiration to so many artists. I want this to be an open forum for the artistic expression of the written word. If you'd like to submit a story just submit it to the form below. It will also be permanently housed in the "Submit a Story" section of the site. I can't wait to hear your stories!

A Guy Walks into a Bar and Two Months Later Finds Himself on the Apache Trail

Burnt Corral Campground - Apache Trail, Tonto National Forest

A little over a month ago on a Saturday night, I sat on a bar stool at my local spot. I was there reflecting on what had been going on in my life over the past few weeks, when an older man sat down next to me. We struck up a conversation and I told him about the great camping trip I had been on the week prior. I told him it was the one that I thought proved that everything would be fine in my post-break up life. I claimed it was when I realized that my adventures would be just as good without Jenn. I had talked about all the great trips we had and gone through all the sites we had seen on our massive 13 day road trip. 

The man took it all in. I think he was just humoring me because he could see how excited I was to talk about my travels. Eventually, the conversation turned to his travels. It turned out he was a construction foreman, who had worked on projects all over the world. He talked about his trips overseas and his most recent stint in Alaska. He was working in Tucson now and talked about his trips to Mount Lemmon and Kartchner Caverns. He told me about see so many amazing sites around the world and what a great life it had been working on the road. As finished telling the stories, his tone changed a little. He looked at me and said his only regret was that while he was seeing all of this his wife was at home. He said his only regret was that she hadn't been there with him to see it all with him. 

This got me thinking about the trip I had been telling him about. My weekend in Oak Creek Canyon, Sedona, and Flagstaff. I thought about what a great time I thought it was, but for the first time I seriously asked myself how much better it could have been with Jenn. How much more amazing could an amazing trip have been if I had someone to laugh with, look at the stars with, or sleep next to on those rainy nights. It was a great trip but it could have been better.

This brings me to the trip this weekend. I've been back with Jenn for a while now but this was the first time we got back into wandering. Our weekends have been full of the boys basketball games, searching for dogs at the local animal shelters, and sitting on the couch catching up on Netflix. The travel bug has been intensifying for the past few weeks. Originally we had planned to head out camping last weekend, but remembered that her boys had playoff games that we didn't want to miss. When Sunday rolled around the games were over, but our time was limited. We decided to take the one of the best day-drives available in the Phoenix area, the Apache Trail. 

An old stagecoach trail, that still looks like a stagecoach trail, this drive is not for the faint of heart. The roads are gravel, winding, steep, and narrow. I had been on the Trail a few years back, but honestly forgot who unnerving it can be at points. It is a throwback to another time. For Jenn it reminded her of driving on the Navajo Reservation for me it reminded me of North Dakota back roads, with a lot more hills of course. These are the kinds of trips I've fallen in love with. One of the great things about our long road trip was how little time we spent on freeways. So much of that trip was smaller highways, farm roads, and town streets.

The highlight of this trip was finding the next campground we hope to spend some time at soon, Burnt Corral Campground. Pictured above, we've set a goal of going on a weekday so we can get one of the sites like the one we took pictures from, right next to the lake. It was probably a good thing we took her car instead of mine because we didn't have a tent. If we did I'm not sure it would have been possible to resist the urge to set up camp and have to scramble our way back to the real world in the morning.

Apache Trail is not the average Sunday drive, it's beautiful, exciting, and sometimes terrifying. This stretch of AZ Highway 88 (yes, it's actually a highway) offers a little bit of everything: beautiful lake settings on Saguaro Lake and Apache Lake, mountains, desert, forests, man-made structures like Roosevelt Dam, and some great secluded campsites to get away from it all. 

Trips like the drive down Apache Trail are the great part of living in a state that I truly think is the most scenic in the U.S. There are places and trips like this all around us. This was something I found true in the solo camping trip I took. I could have done this drive solo too. I'm sure I would have enjoyed the trip just fine, but in the back of my mind, I would have known it could have been better. I probably wouldn't have stopped off to scout campgrounds. I wouldn't have had someone to laugh with and tell stories with. And I definitely wouldn't have had that moment when I looked down by the lake and saw the woman I love making the trip more memorable as she posed her puppy next to the lake and laughed that amazing laugh at how cute he looked. That is what takes a good trip and makes it so much better.

October Book of the Month: Quiet

Some people see it clear as day. Others don't believe it for a second when I tell them I'm an introvert. Might I add and I'm damn proud of it! Introverts are often stigmatized in Western culture because being loud, boisterous, and often flamboyant is prized and encouraged from the time we are young. But we, introverts are the ones who critically analyze the unfiltered ideas that the extroverts proudly convey. 

Quiet by Susan Cain came as a recommendation from the marketing VP who gave me the talk that eventually led to this website. This book helped me understand the value that I can bring to any role in my life by harnessing the power of my introvertedness (not a word). It showed me that just because I'm not the type who will command the floor in every meeting, doesn't mean that my career path has to stop at anything short of the top seat. 

If you take the time to read articles online, I'm assuming there is already a chance that you might be a little bit introverted. This is a great book to help you learn how to use this to your advantage in life. If you're an extrovert, somewhere in your personal or professional life there are introverts. Understanding how to communicate with them will be a huge benefit to any aspect of your life.

My Life Has Become a Reverse Country Song

Rogue

I got my woman back and I got a dog, nothing about a pickup truck though. Of course these are the cliche phrases of country music, but as someone who loves a little Garth Brooks or Tim McGraw, I know there is more to the genre than that. Wow! I can't believe it has been more than a month since I've posted anything. I wish I could say it's because I've been going on amazing trips and seeing more sites than ever before. However, it's pretty much the opposite. So here's a quick (at least as quick as I can make it recap of the last month or so).

Jenn and I are back together. Even though I wrote an article about how I didn't think we needed each other to continue the adventuring lifestyle, the truth is that I want her in my life to continue it. I traveled and had a good time without her, but when I look at things objectively the times with her were much better. That's all I'm going to say about it. We're moving on with our lives together.

The majority of my wandering for the last few weeks centered around finding my new best buddy (pictured above). We went to so many animal shelters for two weeks. It started as a hunt for a dog for Jenn. She wanted one to hike with. She found one that she absolutely fell in love with, but she was a on hold at the shelter to be checked out medically. In a strange twist a friend offered her a pomeranian. Without knowing much about how big poms get she agreed to take a look. In the end she couldn't turn down bringing it home. Later that afternoon she got a call about the dog she had wanted from the shelter. She considered going from zero dogs to two dogs in the span of 24 hours, but in the end I think she thought better of it. Instead of a big hiking/protection dog, she now has a diva pom.

After looking at all the animals with her, I decided I needed a pup of my own. I had one in mind from the Humane society that would have been perfect because I wasn't looking for anything too big. Sadly, little Tank got adopted before I could come back to do it myself. After at least 7 trips to different shelters and animal control, Gideon had exactly the temperament I was looking for, so I knew I needed to get him. He is much bigger than I ever expected a dog I would get would be. He's a Staffordshire mix (a form of pitbull), which is another thing I said I didn't want. But in the end I just couldn't look into those gray eyes of his and not take a chance on adopting him.

So that's it! That's what I've been doing for a month. Trying to wander my way through relationship issues and becoming Rogue's (yeah, I changed his name) human. Sure it may not seem as exciting as spontaneously packing up and taking off for whichever way the wind blows, but it follows the same concept as everything else in my life.

I wandered my way into it and I'm happy I did. 

Impossible to Forget, More Impossible to Regret

Don't make fun of the crookedness. It's a work in progress :-)

The eight framed pictures that now adorn my wall sat in the corner of my living room for well over a month. I'll admit that sometimes my projects go unfinished for a very long time. That probably isn't much of a surprise considering I've come to openly embrace my wandering mentality. I don't know if it's a fear of finishing or a fear of closure, but at least a dozen books that line my bookshelf and the virtual bookshelf of my Kindle are still unfinished. I know this would drive some people completely crazy, but for some reason it has never really nagged at me. Of course, I have every intention of finishing every one of them but I couldn't even venture a guess as to when. 

This is why I expected those pictures to continue collecting dust well into the New Year (yeah I know it's only September). I've made jokes about it to friends and I honestly would not have been shocked for a second if that had happened. I think the major reason for this is because I knew putting up those National Park and Monument posters was a lot more symbolic then I'll ever admit when people ask me about my collection in the future. 

In the future I'll tell them that all of these pictures, posters, paintings, etc., are the places that I've visited. They are the adventures I've had in my life. They are a vast collection that I've curated for years on numerous wandering trips. Years from now, when I'm telling that story it will be true. The pictures you see in the photo will be surrounded by many others. The Montezuma Castle picture that still needs to be framed will be the first of the new additions and I have every intention continuing the collection for a very long time.

However, today that story is not true. It is not a collection of pictures from years or decades of spontaneous trips. It is eight framed posters and an obviously out of place unframed one (the Montezuma Castle). The eight are memories from 13 days, I will never forget and, as much as I hate the ending, can never regret. Though they are tough to make out in the picture the posters are of Redwoods State and National Parks, Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Mount Rushmore, Arches National Park, The Four Corners, and the Golden Gate Bridge. I have no doubt that every one of these is on thousands of people's bucket lists. We did them in 13 days, 5,798 miles, 12 states, 2 sleepless nights, 8 campgrounds, 2 nights at my childhood home, and more hours of drive time and bags of sunflower seeds than I could possibly keep track of. 

These 13 days were the culmination of 11 months of growth and discovery. The first trip was a fairly planned out trip to River Island State Park in Parker, AZ after 5 months together. The second was a much less planned (2 hours to be exact) trip to Payson, AZ that led us to Tonto National Bridge State Park. Then came trips to Tucson, Casa Grande Ruins, Cottonwood, Jerome, Clarkdale, Sedona, Flagstaff, the Grand Canyon, and more that I know I'm forgetting. In the five months that followed that first trip, I saw more of this state than I had in the ten years since I relocated from North Dakota. I'd venture to say I saw more of the country than I had in 32 years of life before as well. It is impossible for me to regret any of these moments. 

For the past seven weeks, I'd be lying if I said there haven't been moments of bitterness and anger and depression. Part of me had absolutely no desire to let that go because letting it go was like finishing a book. But there is a reason we refer to our lives in "chapters" not in "books". Chapters allow for continuation of the story. Books should always end a story line (even if there are a dozen sequels, Harry Potter). I am ready to end a pretty amazing chapter of my life and I cannot end it looking back with regret. Here's how I'll choose to look back at the last year of my life instead.

• Standing by the Colorado River at night in River Island
• Staring up at the full moon in Tonto National Forest
• Waking up to see the sunrise over Mt. Lemmon in Tucson
• Looking at the town of Jerome lighting up the hillside from Dead Horse Ranch State Park in Cottonwood
• Standing on top of Devil's Bridge getting my picture taken in Sedona
• Thinking about those who lived, worked, and played 700+ years prior on the very grounds I stood on at Casa Grande Ruins
• Watching the sunset on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon
• Making it to the end of Widforss Trail to appreciate the beauty of the North Rim
• Enjoying a morning coffee at June Lake outside of Yosemite
• Setting up the camping chairs in a meadow at Yosemite Valley to enjoy Doritos and Diet Mountain Dew
• Strolling along the Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy 4th of July
• Placing my hand on a redwood tree burl and thinking about how much more it will know of the past and the future than I can ever hope
• Watching the geysers of Yellowstone perform fountain acts the Bellagio will never be able to match
• Seeing the mastery of two artists competing (even after their deaths) to build the beautiful sculptures at Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse Memorial
• Laying under The Windows double arch at Arches National Park reflecting on the natural forces the carved this perfect place for us
• Making one final cheesy tourist stop to stand in four states at the same just because we didn't want to go back to reality

I hope that there never comes a day in my life when I have actually forgotten these moments. No matter how terrible the ending might be right now, there is no way I will be able to look back at the eight posters that started my collection with even a shred of regret for having accumulated them. They will always be the foundation of what must become a larger collection.

We were two people who sparked something in each other that I think will survive long after the relationship ended. I don't think either of us created anything new in the other. I don't think I became an adventurer because of her and I don't think she became one because of me. It was always there for both of us. Each of us just needed the other as the catalyst to bring it out, to normalize it for each other in a world where it is a little bit strange. Now that we've done that I don't see it stopping anytime soon. The proof of that is starting to emerge already. While I was spending three nights camping in Oak Creek, I saw the pictures her sister posted of their trip to Canyon de Chelly. We needed each other to bring it out, but we don't need each other to keep it going. I'm not sure if that is happy, sad, beautiful, or horrific, but I know regret is not a feeling I associate with it. 

So why did I let my "Wall of Wandering" go unfinished for so long? It certainly wasn't a daunting task. Hanging the entire thing took me less than 20 minutes before I went to work today. It wasn't physically demanding. I didn't even break a sweat. It wasn't a difficult design. Let's face it, I don't care that some of them are crooked. I still love it. The real reason is, like the Montezuma Castle poster, currently completely out of place, I knew as soon as the original eight went up on the wall it would be time to start building new memories around them. 

***Most of the posters pictured above can be found in the "Store" section of the website***