Impossible to Forget, More Impossible to Regret

Don't make fun of the crookedness. It's a work in progress :-)

The eight framed pictures that now adorn my wall sat in the corner of my living room for well over a month. I'll admit that sometimes my projects go unfinished for a very long time. That probably isn't much of a surprise considering I've come to openly embrace my wandering mentality. I don't know if it's a fear of finishing or a fear of closure, but at least a dozen books that line my bookshelf and the virtual bookshelf of my Kindle are still unfinished. I know this would drive some people completely crazy, but for some reason it has never really nagged at me. Of course, I have every intention of finishing every one of them but I couldn't even venture a guess as to when. 

This is why I expected those pictures to continue collecting dust well into the New Year (yeah I know it's only September). I've made jokes about it to friends and I honestly would not have been shocked for a second if that had happened. I think the major reason for this is because I knew putting up those National Park and Monument posters was a lot more symbolic then I'll ever admit when people ask me about my collection in the future. 

In the future I'll tell them that all of these pictures, posters, paintings, etc., are the places that I've visited. They are the adventures I've had in my life. They are a vast collection that I've curated for years on numerous wandering trips. Years from now, when I'm telling that story it will be true. The pictures you see in the photo will be surrounded by many others. The Montezuma Castle picture that still needs to be framed will be the first of the new additions and I have every intention continuing the collection for a very long time.

However, today that story is not true. It is not a collection of pictures from years or decades of spontaneous trips. It is eight framed posters and an obviously out of place unframed one (the Montezuma Castle). The eight are memories from 13 days, I will never forget and, as much as I hate the ending, can never regret. Though they are tough to make out in the picture the posters are of Redwoods State and National Parks, Yellowstone, The Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Mount Rushmore, Arches National Park, The Four Corners, and the Golden Gate Bridge. I have no doubt that every one of these is on thousands of people's bucket lists. We did them in 13 days, 5,798 miles, 12 states, 2 sleepless nights, 8 campgrounds, 2 nights at my childhood home, and more hours of drive time and bags of sunflower seeds than I could possibly keep track of. 

These 13 days were the culmination of 11 months of growth and discovery. The first trip was a fairly planned out trip to River Island State Park in Parker, AZ after 5 months together. The second was a much less planned (2 hours to be exact) trip to Payson, AZ that led us to Tonto National Bridge State Park. Then came trips to Tucson, Casa Grande Ruins, Cottonwood, Jerome, Clarkdale, Sedona, Flagstaff, the Grand Canyon, and more that I know I'm forgetting. In the five months that followed that first trip, I saw more of this state than I had in the ten years since I relocated from North Dakota. I'd venture to say I saw more of the country than I had in 32 years of life before as well. It is impossible for me to regret any of these moments. 

For the past seven weeks, I'd be lying if I said there haven't been moments of bitterness and anger and depression. Part of me had absolutely no desire to let that go because letting it go was like finishing a book. But there is a reason we refer to our lives in "chapters" not in "books". Chapters allow for continuation of the story. Books should always end a story line (even if there are a dozen sequels, Harry Potter). I am ready to end a pretty amazing chapter of my life and I cannot end it looking back with regret. Here's how I'll choose to look back at the last year of my life instead.

• Standing by the Colorado River at night in River Island
• Staring up at the full moon in Tonto National Forest
• Waking up to see the sunrise over Mt. Lemmon in Tucson
• Looking at the town of Jerome lighting up the hillside from Dead Horse Ranch State Park in Cottonwood
• Standing on top of Devil's Bridge getting my picture taken in Sedona
• Thinking about those who lived, worked, and played 700+ years prior on the very grounds I stood on at Casa Grande Ruins
• Watching the sunset on the South Rim of the Grand Canyon
• Making it to the end of Widforss Trail to appreciate the beauty of the North Rim
• Enjoying a morning coffee at June Lake outside of Yosemite
• Setting up the camping chairs in a meadow at Yosemite Valley to enjoy Doritos and Diet Mountain Dew
• Strolling along the Golden Gate Bridge on a foggy 4th of July
• Placing my hand on a redwood tree burl and thinking about how much more it will know of the past and the future than I can ever hope
• Watching the geysers of Yellowstone perform fountain acts the Bellagio will never be able to match
• Seeing the mastery of two artists competing (even after their deaths) to build the beautiful sculptures at Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse Memorial
• Laying under The Windows double arch at Arches National Park reflecting on the natural forces the carved this perfect place for us
• Making one final cheesy tourist stop to stand in four states at the same just because we didn't want to go back to reality

I hope that there never comes a day in my life when I have actually forgotten these moments. No matter how terrible the ending might be right now, there is no way I will be able to look back at the eight posters that started my collection with even a shred of regret for having accumulated them. They will always be the foundation of what must become a larger collection.

We were two people who sparked something in each other that I think will survive long after the relationship ended. I don't think either of us created anything new in the other. I don't think I became an adventurer because of her and I don't think she became one because of me. It was always there for both of us. Each of us just needed the other as the catalyst to bring it out, to normalize it for each other in a world where it is a little bit strange. Now that we've done that I don't see it stopping anytime soon. The proof of that is starting to emerge already. While I was spending three nights camping in Oak Creek, I saw the pictures her sister posted of their trip to Canyon de Chelly. We needed each other to bring it out, but we don't need each other to keep it going. I'm not sure if that is happy, sad, beautiful, or horrific, but I know regret is not a feeling I associate with it. 

So why did I let my "Wall of Wandering" go unfinished for so long? It certainly wasn't a daunting task. Hanging the entire thing took me less than 20 minutes before I went to work today. It wasn't physically demanding. I didn't even break a sweat. It wasn't a difficult design. Let's face it, I don't care that some of them are crooked. I still love it. The real reason is, like the Montezuma Castle poster, currently completely out of place, I knew as soon as the original eight went up on the wall it would be time to start building new memories around them. 

***Most of the posters pictured above can be found in the "Store" section of the website***