Rogue Confession: A Time When I Was Wandering and Definitely Lost

Bear with me for this one because there are a lot of confessions that go with this post. I had written it the day I got out from a weekend at Tent City jail. For those who follow my weight loss blog, if you're looking for a fast way to shed 10 lbs Tent City in June is the way to do it. The combination of terrible food and 110+ weather will melt the pounds off quick. A series of events fueled by bad decisions and poor coping skills had landed me in Tent City for 2 days and house arrest for 8 more.

In July 2011, I went on a date with a very nice girl who was a friend of a friend of my brother. I was the first guy she had dated after going through a very traumatic personal experience. She was quick to tell me that it might take a while for her to open up because of what she had been through. She lived in Flagstaff at the time so our communication was limited to texts and occasional phone calls, but we talked pretty much every day. That continued until November when I pulled what can only be considered a complete jerk move. I ghosted out and started seeing else just because she lived closer. I justified my actions by telling myself we were never 'official'. This, quite frankly, is crap. Now that it has been 5 years and I am happily involved in a great relationship, I can admit I was an asshole. Sorry for the vulgarity, but there just doesn't seem to be a more fitting word. I was supposed to be the bridge back to showing her that not all guys are terrible and uncaring and I failed miserably in that responsibility.

Anyway, in July 2012, I would make another effort to repair the damage I had done. All without ever truly giving more than a half-hearted apology. We would talk again off and on, but by February 2013 it became clear to me that she was seeing someone else. Karma can be a great and terrible thing. I had certainly gotten what I deserved. This is where the poor coping skills took over and I found myself at Mad Dog's Saloon (a bar known for gang activity my arresting officer would tell me while drawing my blood) on a Thursday night. In what will go down as the dumbest decision I have made in my life, I got behind the wheel and tried to drive home at 2:00 AM Friday morning. The flashing lights in my rear view would soon confirm this to be a terrible choice.

I had hit my lowest point in life, for the next few weeks I found myself in a pretty deep depression. A pretty clear sign that you're depressed is when you're a 29-year old building model cars on the weekend, when you've never built one in your life and really don't like cars all that much. Because I'm at a better point in my life now, I can also admit that I had suicidal thoughts. I was terrified by the consequences this one night might have on the rest of my life and knew that my financial troubles were about to get a whole lot worse than they already had. I am thankful that I had people around me to remind me that it would be okay. The moment when this really set in was when my brother, with whom I've shared very few emotional experiences in my life, text me to say "don't worry. I know it sucks now. But everything will be alright." I've never told him how much that meant to me at the time, but for anyone who is wondering if a few kind words can have a huge impact on someone, there is your example.

I have another confession. I wasn't sure this was an article I wanted to write. Years ago I was warned by HR professionals to watch out for what you put online because it could come back to haunt you if you apply for a job. The reason I decided to move forward with this post is that any HR professional worth their salt should not be surprised with the confessions I make here because it's all public record. I assume they will find my police record before they will find my personal website.

Three years later I find myself in a completely different place. I'm happy with my work life. I'm in a loving relationship (assuming she doesn't dump me after reading this and realizing what a jerk I was). I have found something I extremely passionate about with these writing and traveling hobbies of mine. Overall, I am happy. Really, truly happy for possibly the first time in my life. The guy who existed three years ago shaped who I am but he is not who I am today. I have actually grown and matured. On weekends I'd rather find myself at a random campsite somewhere in America, than sitting on my usual bar stool ordering another beer. I am working hard to make my relationship work while trying to ensure Jenn that I'm not the jerk I was who landed himself in jail and acted so horribly toward another person.

So what is the point to all of this? Other than being slightly cathartic for me, I wanted to get this out to the world to let others know:

You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday today. 

Let me end with another small bit of catharsis. My fall at the Grand Canyon really wasn't all that life threatening but it was a reminder that it just takes one wrong step and it could all be over. Since that day, the guilt of what I did in 2011 has resurfaced. After seeing the Facebook status memory after Tent City, the guilt got worse. I don't think it is ever appropriate to reach out to an ex after you've both moved on, but I do need to get an apology out there in the universe to get this weight off my mind. I'm truly sorry for the way I treated her. No one deserves to be treated that way. For those who are still out there in the dating world, remember you are dating a person, who has feelings, not a number. Learn from my mistakes and treat others with respect or it will take a toll on you emotionally at some point.

I can write this today, because I'm finally in a place where I can come to grips with the knowledge that I wasn't the person I wanted to be back then. Today, I'm still not all the way there but I'm a lot closer than I was three years ago.

To Jenn, sorry to write about a past relationship, but the man you fell in love with had to apologize for a jerk I think you would have hated.